Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The past few days have been really hard on me and I am not sure why. Last night I cried buckets - I just could not get myself under control. Everything was making me sad - from some dumb television show to the sight of poor Henry limping across the room.

I feel like my entire life changed in an instant when my mom died. I just can't imagine that I am not ever going to talk to her or laugh with her again. I didn't realize how much I loved her until she died. Sure, I loved her and I knew it, but now every day resonates with grief and sorrow. I have good moments, and even whole good days but I keep coming back to it. It just hurts like hell.

I keep trying to remember happier days and return time and time again to being a kid, sitting around the table, discussing everything under the sun. I also see us all on the beach. It's always late in the afternoon. She's sitting there with her long black braid down the back of her orange flowered bathing suit watching us as we run in and out of the surf. It seems like a long time ago - I guess it's forty years or so.

How did I get so old? How did the years go by so past? I got out of high school 29 years ago which just doesn't seem possible. In my head, I'm still 18, goofing with Kathy and with not a care in the world. I still feel like that same young girl but I see someone old looking back at me when I glance in the mirror. Kathy and I had some private moments at the funeral and she touched me greatly with her memories of my mom and our youth. She couldn't stop crying. She really was overcome with emotion and though I knew she really loved my mom, I knew some of it was for our lost youth, for all the years gone by. I feel it too. Lately, I'm so aware of my own mortality, of aging. I guess it's got everything to do with losing my mom.

I remember speaking to Bob and Grace in Starbucks shortly after I got married and I told them how perfectly happy and content I was feeling, but that I was fearful of the other shoe dropping. I was so afraid of something bursting my bubble. I'm still happy, yet full of grief and sorrow. Does that make sense? Every single day with Chris is good, but I'm feeling so much loss.

Joanna told me I have to go through this to get to the other side and she's right. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier though.


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