Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I’ve been ignoring my blog because I have been insanely busy with home improvements, namely painting every surface in this house before the British invasion on Christmas, to which I am very much looking forward! I’m in the middle of a project at this very moment, but am waiting for the first coat to dry. It’s really satisfying to do this by myself and I’m getting fairly good at it.

I listen to music while I’m working and every song brings back another memory. I’ve been thinking about the past and how I’ve gotten to this point. Yesterday I loaded all my old boyfriend tunes onto the computer and had a really nice trip down memory lane, from my first love to the man before Chris, the one who almost made me swear off love forever. Boy, did I let him affect me in the craziest ways. Instead of walking away (which I eventually did), I really wallowed in his drama. It’s interesting – Chris is complex and multi-layered in many ways, yet he’s easy to be around. He is scrupulously honest about everything and has a lot of integrity. I love that about him. There’s never an agenda. It’s refreshingly healthy. The four or five guys who came before him all had baggage and in all honesty I really reveled in all the drama. I was looking for a project, for someone to help never realizing the entire time that the person who needed help was me for taking on these impossible men in impossible situations. It took a lot of heartbreak, misery and lonely nights before I woke up to this fact.

Now that I have this very real love in my life, I question whether or not I really loved those other men or if it was the romantic notions of melancholy, sorrow and despair which attracted me. Several of them and one in particular, who most curiously looked like my father (go analyze that one), had a very Byronic quality, which I must admit I still find fascinating. Chris has none of that, yet he is deep in ways the others never were, and extremely bright, steady, good and kind. I’m glad I pulled it together long enough to let go of the behavior which drew me to those sorts of men. I would never have been able to be in this successful relationship had I not made a conscious decision to love myself and put myself first instead of men who were so selfish they could never see the repercussions of their actions.

Okay, I’ll exit the confessional now. I’m sure none of this comes as a surprise to my friends. I know you all are happy for me, find Chris to be a great guy and are palpably relieved that I’ve stopped doing stupid stuff to myself!

P.S. My first love, Jim Murphy, was none of those rotten things described above. He was the very sweetest boy in the entire world and reading his love letters and poems can still make my eyes tear.


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